SQUARE ONE (Wedding part II)

Almost everyone I know who has ever been married all told me the same thing, “The most stressful time in our relationship was planning the wedding. You should elope or just have it at a restaurant.” Ignorant, I scoffed. I like throwing parties, and this will be the biggest party I ever throw. Just find a place, invite some people, and have some food.

Fast forward to today. Linh (D) and I have been engaged for just over a year. So far we haven’t even decided on a state.  And after selecting ‘single’ again on my taxes, I feel a pressing need to get out of limbo and tie the knot. Mind you, that’s not why I want to get married, but it did light the figurate fire under my seat. If it wouldn’t alienate the family –both the one I grew up with and the one I’m marrying into- I would take eloping more seriously. A simple airborne ceremony in Vegas by skydiving Klingons would suffice. Or we could follow D’s suggestion of Chucky Cheese. But, we only plan on doing this once, so we want it to be nice. (The skydiving Klingons will have to wait for a renewal ceremony.)

And so, first things first, we need a state. Over the past year our wedding ideas have included:

• lobster bake in a rented home in Cape Cod, MA;
• simple ceremony in D’s aunt’s backyard in Rockville, Maryland;
• beach wedding in either Fort Lauderdale, Key Largo, Islamorada, or St. Augustine Florida;
• renting a ship in south Florida;
• mansion in Davie, FL;
• various parks in Broward County, FL;
• wooded areas in Massachusetts just inland of Boston;
• the West Gallery of the Smithsonian;
• the chapel at the University of Maryland;
• parks and open spaces in Maryland; and
• one of the plethora of beautiful parks or mansions in Savannah, GA.

 And with all that we’ve yet to find the perfect venue. Each place is either too expensive, too inconvenient for our guests, or too blasé. We are also trying to accommodate relatives who can’t travel easily due to age or because they have newborns.  Hopefully you can sympathize with us. It’s a lot to figure out.
At this point I would be more than happy with a simple, outdoor ceremony and a reception at a dim sum restaurant. It would be fun and might even be within our budget. Unfortunately dim sum restaurants tend to look run down. It lacks the magic that the occasion warrants.

THE BEST ADVICE

The most common question we get is “When’s the big date?” We’re not slacking, honest, but without a state, let alone a venue, it’s hard to pinpoint an exact date. Ask D, we are on wedding planning mode 24/7. But there is a lot to factor in while making these decisions. Heck, we didn’t even know what season we wanted to get married in. We assumed that we’d get hitched in the fall so we’d have a backdrop of changed leaves, but that would only matter if we get married up north. And then I got some of the best advice yet, “First figure out where you want to go on your honeymoon, then have the wedding at the best time to go there.” It turns out that there’s a lot more to planning weddings than I thought, but vacations? I can plan me a vacation.  No wonder we’ve been having so much trouble with all this. We started on square two! Ok then, let’s start at square one!

Oooh, the honeymoon! A once in a lifetime opportunity to go somewhere fun, exciting, and full of adventure, and then stay in our room all day. We started with some ground rules. Where ever we go must have 1) a stable government; and 2) potable tap water. We enjoy camping, hiking, and general outdoorsy activities. In fact, we recently hiked to the world’s only natural flame behind a waterfall.
Our top two picks were New Zealand, with its endless beauty, and Kyoto, Japan. But as awesome as either of those would be, we can’t afford a $10,000 honeymoon. I’m trying to spend less than that on the actual wedding and reception, and we’re inviting at least 70 people. Unless someone invents planes fueled by sunshine and rainbows, we have to look at other venues. Montana,Wyoming, the US southwest, and Canada were also possibilities. Any of these would be affordable and offer lots of exciting outdoor adventures. But while we hope to visit these places on future vacations, we don’t want to spend our entire honeymoon in a tent. And then D made a suggestion.

“What about Iceland?” Actually, she suggested it several times before it finally registered. My initial thought was, “Man, I am all about some geo-thermal hot springs, but I want more than just that on my honeymoon.” Well, we did some research and it turns out there’s all sorts of stuff to do in Iceland! There are fjords! I’ve wanted to show D fjords for years! And aurora borealis?! Dude, I’ve wanted to see that since I first heard of it. And we get to see glaciers (before they all melt), waterfalls, go snowmobiling, horseback riding, and enjoy unique, alien scenery! Oh, and there are geo-thermal hot springs.

The next question was ‘when’? From what we’ve found so far, it looks like winter is the best time to see aurora borealis. Even better, it’s much less expensive to visit Iceland in the winter, so honeymooning there will be less than half the cost of going to New Zealand or Japan.  We were thinking of getting married in February since it’s still winter but after the holidays, which should make things easier for our guests. Then D’s cousin Kim pointed out that the honeymoon doesn’t have to be immediately after the wedding. We could get married at anytime and go on our honeymoon whenever we please.

So yeah, Iceland is chock full of win. We now have a tentative honeymoon destination and month, February 2013. Now we just need a venue and date for the wedding. We are still researching various options, but we had a breakthrough last night. I’ll report back with that news soon!

Warning: Tasks in mirror are more difficult than they appear (Wedding Part I)

It’s my understanding that most girls start fantasizing about their wedding at about 5 years-old. I suppose this makes things easy for the groom as his only responsibility is showing up appropriately dressed. I’ve even heard of a woman who had a notebook with the details of her proposal, wedding, and honeymoon, all written before she even met her husband. She just gave him the notebook with instructions to follow it explicitly. Talk about romance. Luckily, Linh (D) wasn’t one of those girls. It is just another of the many, many reasons why I adore her. In fact, I don’t think she ever really thought about her wedding until after we got engaged. It’s great for me because I get to be part of the decision making process. After all, I’m getting married too. However, this also means that we are starting at square one, and there is so much to figure out!

Now, D is a trooper, but getting married is really stressful for her. As she says, “There are two things I don’t like: dealing with family drama and being the center of attention.” And nothing brings those two things together like being the bride at a wedding. She’s apprehensive about the wedding, but she is looking forward to being married. That’s fine by me. Anyway, I like being the center of attention. So, I’ve taken the lead in planning our big day. It may not be traditional, but there are plenty of traditions I don’t care for. Besides, what we have in mind so far is anything but traditional. Example, D wants male bridesmaids. The only question is whether to put them in tuxes or dresses. Maybe I should have female groomsmen to give the wedding party symmetry.

There are many things for us to figure out, such as when and where we will get hitched. But the single biggest factor is cost, as that limits our options. My original budget was $3000, which then ballooned to $5000. Now I’m trying to hold steady at $10,000 for the wedding and reception, not including rings, dresses, music, dresses, tuxes, or centerpieces. And that’s not for an over the top affair. We don’t want to spend needlessly and believe a more reasonable wedding will be more fun regardless. It’s bizarre to think that we are both eating on a ramen budget for a year so our guests can enjoy a meal and some drinks. We spent more money on food in college that we do now. I knew weddings cost a lot, but I thought that was due to lavish spending on needless fluff that no one will remember. We are still over budget, even though we are pinching pennies and have foregone expensive venues. So we have racked our brain plates to figure out other ways to have a nice but affordable wedding. Our ground rule is that the honeymoon is sacred. We will get married at a Dairy Queen if necessary, but we are going on our honeymoon!

First, we’ve called on friends. Luckily, D knows an officiant, Auggie. And the incredibly talented Juan Reyes has agreed to photograph the event. D’s mother has agreed to get the rings and mine is getting D’s dress. Also, her aunt and my parents have been gracious enough to help with some of the costs. We are truly grateful for all the assistance we have received. We have no desire for a lavish affair, but unless we decided to simply cook Costco brand hot dogs in someone’s backyard (and provide no tables or chairs), it’s going to be expensive. So from the bottom of our hearts, thank you.

We’ve also toyed with other cost cutting ideas. I’ve heard of people having a dessert reception. By having the reception between lunch and dinner, you only serve dessert instead of a full dinner. While it would help with costs, we have relatives in Florida, Maryland, and Texas. No matter where we get hitched, most of our guests will be coming in from out of town. As the lovely D rightly pointed out, we can’t ask people to fly across the country and not feed them.

Other cost saving measures include trimming the guest list. We’ve gotten it down to about 75 (from 100), but that doesn’t account for a few +1’s. We may end up prohibiting or at least discouraging +1’s. It makes me feel hypocritical, having brought a +1 every wedding I’ve been to, but if it means we don’t have to get married at Chucky Cheese (D’s idea), I’m all for it. to Another idea was having a cash bar instead of an open bar. That would also upset *some guests. (*Everyone except my mother.) But we may stick with just wine and beer.

One area we refuse to skimp on is the wedding cake. This is the second ground rule. The cake has to be awesome. D isn’t concerned with the food, but she wants an awesome cake. We may be feeding our guests generic brand mac n’ cheese, but we’re having the cake of D’s dreams. We’ve seen some amazing works of art online, but most of those feature licensed characters from video games, TV shows, or movies. This is our wedding, not a release or wrap party. I don’t want us defined by someone else’s creation. Our wedding cake needs to be unique to us. Thing is, it’s difficult to come up with a unique, classy cake idea in the information age.

Stay tuned for an update in 48 hours!